Hey fellow strugglers
I know, i've been away for a while. I've been jumping between "healthy" and "unhealthy" thoughts quite a bit. I am officially dating AK now and becuase he is a chef he knows heaps of healthy cheap meals. I am still at 48 kgs which is annoying but at least it's not a gain. I have been going to the gym and had a Personal Trainer session today which was free so now i have an epic training plan to go by. AK keeps on telling me i look fine and not to loose weight but i'm still not happy. He makes the "unhealthy" thoughts harder to hear, but they are always there. Always will be. I don't think there is ever an escape from them. It's wether or not you listen to them. Some days AK makes me want to be "healthy" for his sake, but moast of the time he just makes me want to look beautiful for him, i want to work out and eat less and everything. I mean, this man see's me naked, he should be looking at beauty not some flabby stomach and fat thighs!
It's winter here in Australia and i strongly dislike the cold, it makes me fluctuate between starving and not-hungry something chronic. I barely ate one day and i was fine. Few days later i was fooling around with AK and i started to shake violently from hunger, i felt like i was going to collapse! I ate all this roast lamb with gravy then tons of peanuts, even AK was saying "This isn't like you, i'm worried. You never eat more than me! You never say you are hungry." I freaking hate winter!
I hope your lives have been ok, i hope your plans are working and you are somewhere closer to the "healthy" side, as hard as it is to be there. remember, there is always a free help line number to call when things are getting worse. Much love!
NoDisplayName
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Showing posts with label diet. Show all posts
Monday, 28 May 2012
Friday, 30 March 2012
The Power of the Mirror is only as Strong as the Person Reflected in it.
That line is from Grace Bowman's book THIN. I'm currently reading it (again). I have plenty of these type books. They are so versatile for me. Great when i was recovering, great for showing someone else had it worse, great for motivation (i know that is fucked up).
As from monday to this morning i have lost 1.1kg. Good start, but i'm still way too high. I used to be 45kgs!! I gained nearly 7kg in 12-15 months, that's disgusting!!!
Goal one is 49.0kg - award of a spray tan
Goal two is 47.0kg - award of a new book and/or movie
Goal three is 45.0kg - award to be decided then
My ultimate goal is 40.0kgs. Not too low, but totally not fat in any way. When i read the books about anorexia and/or bulimia they always say their goal weight kept on changing, they never got "there" and i worry that will happen to me. I've never reached 40kgs so i kinda hope that my goal will never change, once i get there i'll be happy enough to stop. I guess we can only find out.
I've been trying to find lots of little quotes/motivationals or whatever. Just little things that i can remember easily. Here are some of my favourites:
I'm not there yet, but i'm closer than i was yesterday
Only I can let myself fail
It wont be easy, but it will be worth it
What i see in the mirror hurts more than hunger ever will
Don't stop when you are tired,
Stop when you are DONE.
If you have nay, feel free to add them. I would love to hear your thoughts!
Think Thin,
Stay Strong
NoDisplayName!!
As from monday to this morning i have lost 1.1kg. Good start, but i'm still way too high. I used to be 45kgs!! I gained nearly 7kg in 12-15 months, that's disgusting!!!
Goal one is 49.0kg - award of a spray tan
Goal two is 47.0kg - award of a new book and/or movie
Goal three is 45.0kg - award to be decided then
My ultimate goal is 40.0kgs. Not too low, but totally not fat in any way. When i read the books about anorexia and/or bulimia they always say their goal weight kept on changing, they never got "there" and i worry that will happen to me. I've never reached 40kgs so i kinda hope that my goal will never change, once i get there i'll be happy enough to stop. I guess we can only find out.
I've been trying to find lots of little quotes/motivationals or whatever. Just little things that i can remember easily. Here are some of my favourites:
I'm not there yet, but i'm closer than i was yesterday
Only I can let myself fail
It wont be easy, but it will be worth it
What i see in the mirror hurts more than hunger ever will
Don't stop when you are tired,
Stop when you are DONE.
If you have nay, feel free to add them. I would love to hear your thoughts!
Think Thin,
Stay Strong
NoDisplayName!!
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
No Change
So this week i've not lost anything. I was in this hyped up energy mood but couldn't do anything about it cause it was storming, my treadmill is packed away (due to moving in with my boyfriend). I ended up reading until 1am this morning. So everyone knows, no sleep means i've burnt more calories. It's the least i can do.
I have bought a red bracelet so i can remind myself of my goals and what i am aiming for.
Just a quick update for you guys today.
Think Thin,
Stay Strong
NoDisplayName
Remember:
Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800
Lifeline 13 11 14
There is always someone to listen to you!
I have bought a red bracelet so i can remind myself of my goals and what i am aiming for.
Just a quick update for you guys today.
Think Thin,
Stay Strong
NoDisplayName
Remember:
Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800
Lifeline 13 11 14
There is always someone to listen to you!
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Quick note before i head to work
Good morning! It's 7.30am and i need to head to work just after 8 so thought i'd say a quick hello and fill you in on the last two days.
I weighed in at 49.5kgs (108.9lbs) this morning which i am VERY happy about! I expected to be over 52kgs after the crap eating i've been doing. On that note, however, my dinner last night was 2 Corona Extra's and a plum, which is around 300 cals. I'm sure if i had eaten something with substance i probably would have pushed over the 50kg mark.
Thats pretty much the highlight of my life these last two days. And now i'm off to have a play on the net before work. Sending my love, whereever you are in the world.
Think Thin, Stay Strong
NoDisplayName
I weighed in at 49.5kgs (108.9lbs) this morning which i am VERY happy about! I expected to be over 52kgs after the crap eating i've been doing. On that note, however, my dinner last night was 2 Corona Extra's and a plum, which is around 300 cals. I'm sure if i had eaten something with substance i probably would have pushed over the 50kg mark.
Thats pretty much the highlight of my life these last two days. And now i'm off to have a play on the net before work. Sending my love, whereever you are in the world.
Think Thin, Stay Strong
NoDisplayName
Monday, 16 January 2012
Ok, so here goes
Hi there,
I've never done an online blog before but thought it would be a good idea to start my journey in 2012 with something written. I've previously used a diary with motivational photos and comments but that just wont work this time i don't think. So here is a little about me, just enough to let you get a picture of me without giving away my identity.
I'm in my early 20's and currently studying so that i can help disadvantaged families. I work Tuesday-Fridays to help pay bills because Centrelink doesn't pay students very well at all. I have had problems with eating and the way i see myself and have been on again, off again "I'm going to loose weight/I'm going to eat whatever i want". In the medical world this is called ED-NOS - Eating Disdorder, Not otherwise Specified. It means, i'm not skinny/dedicated enough to be anorexic (Ana), i don't throw up enough to be bulimic (Mia), and I don't eat enough to have Binge Eating Disorder (BED). I would probably be diagnosed with Body Dismorphic Disorder if i ever told a therapist what i really feel.
I have this thought process in my head (No, it's not like i'm hearing voices, its like my thoughts go off on their own tangent) that is always saying to me "Why bother eating healthy, you are only going to get fat anyway? Why not eat that cake? Go on, you've already eaten shit food today, there is no hope for you now? Just worry about it tomorrow. Don't bother going for a walk, you are a fat lazy person, why kid yourself" I call this thought Eddie (diriving from EDNOS) and when i see Eddie in my head, its an old fat lady in a MuuMuu sitting on a recliner lounge, really ugly, bad skin eating chips and chocolate and coke. She is what i will turn into if i cannot shut her up. But it's so hard. It is not uncommon for me to stand somewhere for 10 minutes straight, just arguing with my head. "I will go for a walk" "Why bother? It's hot outside, you will get sweaty" "But i need to do exercise" "Why? Just sit down on the lounge and have some chips" "No, i need to exercise, i don't want to get fat" "You are already fat, why bother? Go on, have some chips" This is what i have in my head, every day. I am constantly fighting with myself. And if i give in just once, thats it for the rest of the day, Eddie wins and its harder to fight. "You have already stuffed up, why bother trying now"
Reading all this, you are probably imagining a large ugly person right? Well this is where it all gets stupid for me. I'm 50 something kilograms (About 100-110 pounds for you Americans out there). I have a fast metabolism so when i do eat shit foods, no one else notices and the only way i can (if I don't use my scales) is the fact that my pants are a little tighter to do up. How fucked up is that? I keep telling myself, my metabolism will give out but then Eddie goes "You are skinny, why bother trying right now" I want to be 45 kgs, and then, seeing how i look and feel, maybe even 40. My lowest recorded weight (when i had epic motivation and Eddie had shut up for a good number of months) is 42.6. God i was so damn proud of myself.
So here is 2012's starting progress. Today i am only drinking liquids. I had had a few days there of McDonalds and other shitty foods and i got constipated. I tell you what, sitting on the toilet in your boyfriends house for an hour, trying to poop without ripping your hole open is a huge wakeup call. So i'm starting again. I don't have my scales set up yet but i will keep you informed.
So here goes, my first ever Blog.
Think Thin, Stay Strong
For those who don't want this life and still have a chance to get out, PLEASE CALL (in Australia)
Lifeline 13 11 14
Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800
I've never done an online blog before but thought it would be a good idea to start my journey in 2012 with something written. I've previously used a diary with motivational photos and comments but that just wont work this time i don't think. So here is a little about me, just enough to let you get a picture of me without giving away my identity.
I'm in my early 20's and currently studying so that i can help disadvantaged families. I work Tuesday-Fridays to help pay bills because Centrelink doesn't pay students very well at all. I have had problems with eating and the way i see myself and have been on again, off again "I'm going to loose weight/I'm going to eat whatever i want". In the medical world this is called ED-NOS - Eating Disdorder, Not otherwise Specified. It means, i'm not skinny/dedicated enough to be anorexic (Ana), i don't throw up enough to be bulimic (Mia), and I don't eat enough to have Binge Eating Disorder (BED). I would probably be diagnosed with Body Dismorphic Disorder if i ever told a therapist what i really feel.
I have this thought process in my head (No, it's not like i'm hearing voices, its like my thoughts go off on their own tangent) that is always saying to me "Why bother eating healthy, you are only going to get fat anyway? Why not eat that cake? Go on, you've already eaten shit food today, there is no hope for you now? Just worry about it tomorrow. Don't bother going for a walk, you are a fat lazy person, why kid yourself" I call this thought Eddie (diriving from EDNOS) and when i see Eddie in my head, its an old fat lady in a MuuMuu sitting on a recliner lounge, really ugly, bad skin eating chips and chocolate and coke. She is what i will turn into if i cannot shut her up. But it's so hard. It is not uncommon for me to stand somewhere for 10 minutes straight, just arguing with my head. "I will go for a walk" "Why bother? It's hot outside, you will get sweaty" "But i need to do exercise" "Why? Just sit down on the lounge and have some chips" "No, i need to exercise, i don't want to get fat" "You are already fat, why bother? Go on, have some chips" This is what i have in my head, every day. I am constantly fighting with myself. And if i give in just once, thats it for the rest of the day, Eddie wins and its harder to fight. "You have already stuffed up, why bother trying now"
Reading all this, you are probably imagining a large ugly person right? Well this is where it all gets stupid for me. I'm 50 something kilograms (About 100-110 pounds for you Americans out there). I have a fast metabolism so when i do eat shit foods, no one else notices and the only way i can (if I don't use my scales) is the fact that my pants are a little tighter to do up. How fucked up is that? I keep telling myself, my metabolism will give out but then Eddie goes "You are skinny, why bother trying right now" I want to be 45 kgs, and then, seeing how i look and feel, maybe even 40. My lowest recorded weight (when i had epic motivation and Eddie had shut up for a good number of months) is 42.6. God i was so damn proud of myself.
So here is 2012's starting progress. Today i am only drinking liquids. I had had a few days there of McDonalds and other shitty foods and i got constipated. I tell you what, sitting on the toilet in your boyfriends house for an hour, trying to poop without ripping your hole open is a huge wakeup call. So i'm starting again. I don't have my scales set up yet but i will keep you informed.
So here goes, my first ever Blog.
Think Thin, Stay Strong
NoDisplayName
For those who don't want this life and still have a chance to get out, PLEASE CALL (in Australia)
Lifeline 13 11 14
Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800
Suicide Hotline 1800 198 313
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