Still going

Hey fellow strugglers

I know, i've been away for a while. I've been jumping between "healthy" and "unhealthy" thoughts quite a bit. I am officially dating AK now and becuase he is a chef he knows heaps of healthy cheap meals. I am still at 48 kgs which is annoying but at least it's not a gain. I have been going to the gym and had a Personal Trainer session today which was free so now i have an epic training plan to go by. AK keeps on telling me i look fine and not to loose weight but i'm still not happy. He makes the "unhealthy" thoughts harder to hear, but they are always there. Always will be. I don't think there is ever an escape from them. It's wether or not you listen to them. Some days AK makes me want to be "healthy" for his sake, but moast of the time he just makes me want to look beautiful for him, i want to work out and eat less and everything. I mean, this man see's me naked, he should be looking at beauty not some flabby stomach and fat thighs!
It's winter here in Australia and i strongly dislike the cold, it makes me fluctuate between starving and not-hungry something chronic. I barely ate one day and i was fine. Few days later i was fooling around with AK and i started to shake violently from hunger, i felt like i was going to collapse! I ate all this roast lamb with gravy then tons of peanuts, even AK was saying "This isn't like you, i'm worried. You never eat more than me! You never say you are hungry." I freaking hate winter!

I hope your lives have been ok, i hope your plans are working and you are somewhere closer to the "healthy" side, as hard as it is to be there. remember, there is always a free help line number to call when things are getting worse. Much love!

NoDisplayName

Struggling!

i know i haven't been on here for a while, went off the tracks and went drinking two weekends in a row with some mates. I have managed to not put on any weight lucky but i still feel gross and yucky. Also got involved with a boy who one of my friends like so we are keeping that on the downlow but i am plauged with guilt over it all. I feel like i'm cheating on my friend. I'm super behind in my assignments and nothing seams to be working right. My mum told me i need to pay this $600 bill (by June/July) cause she gave me half the money in January, i'm barely surviving week to week now, how i am meant to save $600 in 1.5-2 months i have no freaking idea. At least i can not buy food and have a legit excuse for it but my work is so exhausting that i'm going to struggle. Nothing seams to be working the way i want it to right now and it's getting hard. There have been times when i've seriously considered killing myself cause the life insurance plan i have will help everyone out so much. I know things are bad when i'm laying in bed considering all the different options of suicide. Sigh.