Still going

Hey fellow strugglers

I know, i've been away for a while. I've been jumping between "healthy" and "unhealthy" thoughts quite a bit. I am officially dating AK now and becuase he is a chef he knows heaps of healthy cheap meals. I am still at 48 kgs which is annoying but at least it's not a gain. I have been going to the gym and had a Personal Trainer session today which was free so now i have an epic training plan to go by. AK keeps on telling me i look fine and not to loose weight but i'm still not happy. He makes the "unhealthy" thoughts harder to hear, but they are always there. Always will be. I don't think there is ever an escape from them. It's wether or not you listen to them. Some days AK makes me want to be "healthy" for his sake, but moast of the time he just makes me want to look beautiful for him, i want to work out and eat less and everything. I mean, this man see's me naked, he should be looking at beauty not some flabby stomach and fat thighs!
It's winter here in Australia and i strongly dislike the cold, it makes me fluctuate between starving and not-hungry something chronic. I barely ate one day and i was fine. Few days later i was fooling around with AK and i started to shake violently from hunger, i felt like i was going to collapse! I ate all this roast lamb with gravy then tons of peanuts, even AK was saying "This isn't like you, i'm worried. You never eat more than me! You never say you are hungry." I freaking hate winter!

I hope your lives have been ok, i hope your plans are working and you are somewhere closer to the "healthy" side, as hard as it is to be there. remember, there is always a free help line number to call when things are getting worse. Much love!

NoDisplayName

Struggling!

i know i haven't been on here for a while, went off the tracks and went drinking two weekends in a row with some mates. I have managed to not put on any weight lucky but i still feel gross and yucky. Also got involved with a boy who one of my friends like so we are keeping that on the downlow but i am plauged with guilt over it all. I feel like i'm cheating on my friend. I'm super behind in my assignments and nothing seams to be working right. My mum told me i need to pay this $600 bill (by June/July) cause she gave me half the money in January, i'm barely surviving week to week now, how i am meant to save $600 in 1.5-2 months i have no freaking idea. At least i can not buy food and have a legit excuse for it but my work is so exhausting that i'm going to struggle. Nothing seams to be working the way i want it to right now and it's getting hard. There have been times when i've seriously considered killing myself cause the life insurance plan i have will help everyone out so much. I know things are bad when i'm laying in bed considering all the different options of suicide. Sigh.

Hangovers urgh!

I woke up this morning. Hungover. Thought to myself, fuck it, i'll get McDonalds for breakfast, i drank so much last night i had to have put on weight. Braced myself for the scales.....................

48.7kgs.............. (107.1lbs)

I have lost 0.3kg! After having a slice of pizza at my friends place and 5 or 6 beers (131cals each) i'm so surprised! I did however stay awake til 3am with this guy, so we probably burnt a lot of calories ;-)

But cause i had lost weight, i've only had a coffee. It's amazing the power of the numbers on the scale, if i had of gained weight i'd be sitting here, shoving my face full of shitty crappy Macca's. But i've lost, so i continue to have will-power.

3.7kg to go to my midway goal. 8.7kg to my ultimate goal.

I can do this!!!!!!!!!!

much love everyone!

Think think, stay strong!

49.0kgs!!!

Goal Weight 1 has been achieved!! So excited! I was going to get a spray tan as my rewards but I think I'll go a set of acrylics instead!! My daily food as been something along these lines:

Breaky: Coffee and skim milk + ciggie (45cals)
Lunch: Vegimite sandwich [at 11.30am with the kids from work] (150cals ish)
            Special K or Sultana Bran with skim milk [after 12noon] (160-173cals)
            Sometimes some breakfast bikkies (230 cals)
Afternoon Tea: 2 snacks between 57-116 cals. Sometimes i only have 1 snack, depends on how hectic the day has been.
Dinner: 2 Tooheys Extra Dry (131 cals each, 262 cals total) and a few ciggies

Even on a bad day i'm usually under 1000cals. It's been working!!

YAY!!!!!!

Think Thin, Stay Strong!
NoDisplayName!! xoxoxx

I'm getting stronger!

So i'm back to 49.7kgs. I've got my treadmill set up and i'm on a roll. I can do this!!!! I CAN!!

Help!!!

Help! Help me!! I'm close to binging!! I'm hungry but I'm not and I've already binged once today, I had a handfull of lollies and half a packet of shapes!!! I'm going crazy! I think I might cry. I have work tomorrow so I need both my physical and mental strength! *sobs*

Damn Aunt Flo

I was wondering mid-morning why I was lethargic and not feeling myself, then I remembered I had gotten my period (Aunt Flo) this morning. I can't wait to be skinny enough that i loose my period! I hate it, it's a disgusting gross thing, proves that if there is a God, he is most certantly a man! No woman would make this a monthly thing!!

So i weighed in this morning at 49.5kg again. I'm pretty happy about that considering my birthday party. I had eaten Shapes busicuts, a sausage and an egg on a white bread roll, plus oreo cheesecake i'd made myself and a few lollies (or candy or whatever you call them in your country!). I didn't have dinner last night, but i had two friends over and i made them steak and egg bread rolls (no more breadrolls left for me, yay!).

I finished one of my assignments today and sent it to my tutor for proof reading. I had another 2 Units sent to me as well so i'm getting through it all slowly. I have one i'm meant to be working on today but i've lost my motivation.

Such is life.

Happy after-sleeping birthday to me!

Weighed in at 49.5kg when i woke this morning, i lost 0.7kg again!!! Gosh i'm doing to well!! I'm so proud of myself! Nearly at GW1. Hells yeah!!

Lets hope my party filled with sausages, steaks, white bread and lollies wont be too tempting. If i plan it right, i could just get away with maybe one sausage and lots of salad. Fingers crossed!!

Think thin, stay strong!!

NoDisplayName xo

Happy birthday to me!

It's my birthday today, one of the many lucky people to be born on April Fools Day!!

It's 1.15am here and i just weighed myself (50.1kg) but last night i weighed myself before bed then when i woke up and i lost 0.6kg overnight so i'm hoping i'll be under 50 for my bday party. I had another friends party to go to tonight and i managed to get away without eating a sausage, i did however have 2 bits of Double Brie cheese on water crackers and some Shapes, but i'm feeling ok with that cause i managed to avoid the sausage on white bread. i also had a few smokes so i think i was able to hide the fact i barely ate!!

i found this saying the other day, and i LOVE it. it has been my mantra, repeating over and over in my head, especially when i'm having a smoke:

Coffee and smokes
and cold diet cokes
that's what pretty girls are made of

It's a play on the old rhymes:
sugar and spice
and everything nice
that's what little girls are made of


frogs and snails
and puppy dog tails
that's what little boys are made of

I love it so much cause that has been my main intake lately, except i drink Pepsi max don't diet coke. i prefer the taste of max.

so i will fill you guys in tomorrow if i find the time of how much i weighed in on my birthday. I don't count my morning weigh in until after i've slept.

Think thin, stay strong

NoDisplayName

The Power of the Mirror is only as Strong as the Person Reflected in it.

That line is from Grace Bowman's book THIN. I'm currently reading it (again). I have plenty of these type books. They are so versatile for me. Great when i was recovering, great for showing someone else had it worse, great for motivation (i know that is fucked up).

As from monday to this morning i have lost 1.1kg. Good start, but i'm still way too high. I used to be 45kgs!! I gained nearly 7kg in 12-15 months, that's disgusting!!!
Goal one is 49.0kg - award of a spray tan
Goal two is 47.0kg - award of a new book and/or movie
Goal three is 45.0kg - award to be decided then
My ultimate goal is 40.0kgs. Not too low, but totally not fat in any way. When i read the books about anorexia and/or bulimia they always say their goal weight kept on changing, they never got "there" and i worry that will happen to me. I've never reached 40kgs so i kinda hope that my goal will never change, once i get there i'll be happy enough to stop. I guess we can only find out.

I've been trying to find lots of little quotes/motivationals or whatever. Just little things that i can remember easily. Here are some of my favourites:

I'm not there yet, but i'm closer than i was yesterday

Only I can let myself fail

It wont be easy, but it will be worth it

What i see in the mirror hurts more than hunger ever will

Don't stop when you are tired,
Stop when you are DONE.

If you have nay, feel free to add them. I would love to hear your thoughts!

Think Thin,
Stay Strong

NoDisplayName!!

Failing

I have moved into my own place, but haven't had a good run lately. I had eaten 1000 cals just at work today, I was hungry when i got home and ended up binging. So freaking annoyed at myself!! And the worst part is its only day two of my new 1500 cal plan (start high, then reduce from there). I'm pretty pissed off right now. But tomorrow is a new day. I can do better tomorrow.

If you are out there and want to help me, compete with me, just have someone to email, please contact me!! I'd love to chat more with someone who actually understands what I'm going through!!

Think thin, stay strong!!

Sorry!

Sorry guys, i know it has been a while, no i haven't given up on this page. I've had a few crazy weeks at work then i got sick, but now i'm back!
I'm having trouble living with my boyfriend so i'm currently looking for a small place for myself, that way i don't have to have the house stacked with tempting fattening foods and i wont have to have family meals.
I'm going to make myself a meal planner soon, i'm thinking of starting at 1500 cals a day then slowly dropping. Something along the lines of: Breakfast 300cals, snack 50cals, lunch 500 cals, snack 50cals, dinner 600cals. I just need to plan dinners cause its not uncommon for everyone here to eat together, and the boys love their fatty foods and meat. none of them eat salad. its freaking annoying!!!!
anyway, i'm meant to be doing my assignments (urgh) so i better go. just wanted to let you know, i'm still here and still going. wish me luck!!

NoDisplayName

Think thin, stay strong!

No Change

So this week i've not lost anything. I was in this hyped up energy mood but couldn't do anything about it cause it was storming, my treadmill is packed away (due to moving in with my boyfriend). I ended up reading until 1am this morning. So everyone knows, no sleep means i've burnt more calories. It's the least i can do.

I have bought a red bracelet so i can remind myself of my goals and what i am aiming for.

Just a quick update for you guys today.

Think Thin,
Stay Strong

NoDisplayName

Remember:
Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800
Lifeline 13 11 14

There is always someone to listen to you!

Quick note before i head to work

Good morning! It's 7.30am and i need to head to work just after 8 so thought i'd say a quick hello and fill you in on the last two days.

I weighed in at 49.5kgs (108.9lbs) this morning which i am VERY happy about! I expected to be over 52kgs after the crap eating i've been doing. On that note, however, my dinner last night was 2 Corona Extra's and a plum, which is around 300 cals. I'm sure if i had eaten something with substance i probably would have pushed over the 50kg mark.

Thats pretty much the highlight of my life these last two days. And now i'm off to have a play on the net before work. Sending my love, whereever you are in the world.

Think Thin, Stay Strong

NoDisplayName

A link and Photos

Ok so i have NO IDEA how to add links to other sites or anything like that so here is one of my favourite:
Pretty Thin

And here are some photos i like:

Ok, so here goes

Hi there,

I've never done an online blog before but thought it would be a good idea to start my journey in 2012 with something written. I've previously used a diary with motivational photos and comments but that just wont work this time i don't think. So here is a little about me, just enough to let you get a picture of me without giving away my identity.

I'm in my early 20's and currently studying so that i can help disadvantaged families. I work Tuesday-Fridays to help pay bills because Centrelink doesn't pay students very well at all. I have had problems with eating and the way i see myself and have been on again, off again "I'm going to loose weight/I'm going to eat whatever i want". In the medical world this is called ED-NOS - Eating Disdorder, Not otherwise Specified. It means, i'm not skinny/dedicated enough to be anorexic (Ana), i don't throw up enough to be bulimic (Mia), and I don't eat enough to have Binge Eating Disorder (BED). I would probably be diagnosed with Body Dismorphic Disorder if i ever told a therapist what i really feel.

I have this thought process in my head (No, it's not like i'm hearing voices, its like my thoughts go off on their own tangent) that is always saying to me "Why bother eating healthy, you are only going to get fat anyway? Why not eat that cake? Go on, you've already eaten shit food today, there is no hope for you now? Just worry about it tomorrow. Don't bother going for a walk, you are a fat lazy person, why kid yourself" I call this thought Eddie (diriving from EDNOS) and when i see Eddie in my head, its an old fat lady in a MuuMuu sitting on a recliner lounge, really ugly, bad skin eating chips and chocolate and coke. She is what i will turn into if i cannot shut her up. But it's so hard. It is not uncommon for me to stand somewhere for 10 minutes straight, just arguing with my head. "I will go for a walk" "Why bother? It's hot outside, you will get sweaty" "But i need to do exercise" "Why? Just sit down on the lounge and have some chips" "No, i need to exercise, i don't want to get fat" "You are already fat, why bother? Go on, have some chips" This is what i have in my head, every day. I am constantly fighting with myself. And if i give in just once, thats it for the rest of the day, Eddie wins and its harder to fight. "You have already stuffed up, why bother trying now"

Reading all this, you are probably imagining a large ugly person right? Well this is where it all gets stupid for me. I'm 50 something kilograms (About 100-110 pounds for you Americans out there). I have a fast metabolism so when i do eat shit foods, no one else notices and the only way i can (if I don't use my scales) is the fact that my pants are a little tighter to do up. How fucked up is that? I keep telling myself, my metabolism will give out but then Eddie goes "You are skinny, why bother trying right now" I want to be 45 kgs, and then, seeing how i look and feel, maybe even 40. My lowest recorded weight (when i had epic motivation and Eddie had shut up for a good number of months) is 42.6. God i was so damn proud of myself.

So here is 2012's starting progress. Today i am only drinking liquids. I had had a few days there of McDonalds and other shitty foods and i got constipated. I tell you what, sitting on the toilet in your boyfriends house for an hour, trying to poop without ripping your hole open is a huge wakeup call. So i'm starting again. I don't have my scales set up yet but i will keep you informed.

So here goes, my first ever Blog.
Think Thin, Stay Strong

NoDisplayName

For those who don't want this life and still have a chance to get out, PLEASE CALL (in Australia)

Lifeline 13 11 14
Kids Help Line 1800 55 1800

Suicide Hotline 1800 198 313